It doesn’t take that long for me to begin to wonder if I’ve made a serious mistake or not. I haven’t had much time to really think about what I’m doing, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been playing it all out in my head. And by the time I make it to the tiny town of Vaughn, Washington, just west of Tacoma, the orientation for volunteer camp counselors has begun, and I’m starting to have major doubts about the decision I’ve made. Once again, I have ventured outside of my comfort zone, and I’m volunteering at a summer camp for kids with neuromuscular diseases. (more…)

All of a sudden there’s been a lot of traffic on this site. I guess it has something to do with this whole BLACKSTAR WARRIOR thing so many people are talking about. Well, just so everyone knows exactly what is going on, I am the writer of BLACKSTAR WARRIOR. My good friend Matt Haley is the director. In the very near future I will post something that goes into detail about the history of the project. In the mean time, feel free to check out some of my other projects, including my short film BLACK SANTA’S REVENGE (starring Ken Foree of Dawn of the Dead, and available on DVD), MISSING REEL, a new web series about grindhouse films that I’m co-writing and co-hosting, or any of my long-winded, rambling writing that can be found by trolling through the archives of this site. You can also purchase back issue of my magazine at the Store, and you can watch my award-winning documentary on blaxploitation films, which is posted on line. Here’s the first segment, just to get you started.

Just in case some of you haven’t been keeping up with the latest things going on around here, let me fill you in on a few things. First, I’m now working on an Internet series called Missing Reel. This is a great overview of grindhouse/exploitation cinema, and the first two episodes are up and ready for your viewing pleasure. Also, some of you have been following my involvement in the rumored blaxploitation Star Wars movie, Blackstar Warrior. And even if you haven’t, you really need to watch the video posted below.

And lastly, but certainly not leastly, please show some love by visiting the BAMF Store and buying something. We’ve back issues of the magazines and DVDs of my movies for sale at ridiculously low prices.

I’m five years old, in the first grade, and I can’t see a thing. Nothing. Just blackness. But I can hear my mom. She’s crying, almost hysterical, and trying to do her best to hold it together. The doctor in the emergency room is explaining stuff to my mom that I’m having trouble understanding, but I know what it means when he says that I may lose the eye, and if that happens, there’s a good chance I’ll go blind. And I’m freaking out. Completely freaking out. But at the same time, I’m holding a lot of it inside, because in my five year old mind I know that I’ve got be strong for my mom, because if she sees me break down, she’s going to break down even more, and between her and our alcoholic neighbor who drove us to the emergency room, I can’t handle any more adults around me falling apart. So, I do my best to remain calm, even though the doctor is whispering to my mom that there’s a good chance I’ll be blind. (more…)

I don’t want to get all mushy and sentimental, because those of you that know me know that I’m not either of those things. Okay, maybe I am a bit mushy in the literal sense, in that I need to lose weight, and therefore parts of my body have a squishy consistency, and if you want to point out that sensitive subject, be my guest. But I’m definitely not one of those mushy emotional people. I like to keep most of my emotions bottled up inside, where they can eat away at me over the years, like a slow-acting poison (but that’s a topic for another time). Still, the last several days have been very emotional for me, and in sorting out my feelings, I felt compelled to write a few things down. (more…)

Part of me wants to believe that John Callahan willfully chose this weekend to pass away at the age of 60. With his bold, confrontational, hilarious and unabashedly wicked sense of humor, John Callahan died on the weekend leading up to the twentieth anniversary of the passage of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Did I mention that John was a quadriplegic? (more…)

The other day my alter ego, the dreaded super villain Dr. No-Love*, received an email asking for advice. Rather than deal with this on the Cort and Fatboy Show as I normally would, I thought I would share the question with all of you, my dear readers, and then go on to offer some advice. (Please keep in mind that Dr. No-Love is not a real doctor, which is to say that I’m not a real doctor, nor do I profess to be.)
Dear Dr. No-Love, I have had nothing but bad luck in relationships for as long as I can remember. I won’t go into the details, but believe me when I say that every relationship I’ve been in has been bad. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not supposed to be with someone, and that maybe I’m meant to be alone. You always talk about how bad your relationships have been, don’t you ever feel like you’re meant to be alone? (more…)

In case some of you haven’t been paying attention, there’s some stuff I want to point out to you. First of all, I’m still doing my regular Tuesday guest spots on the Cort and Fatboy Show. You can listen to podcasts of the show by going to C&F website, or you can listen live on Tuesday mornings by going to www.pdx.fm. Also, I am now co-hosting Missing Reel, a new web series from producer Kurt Loyd that focuses on grindhouse cinema. Missing Reel will debut in July 2010. And finally, make sure you check out the website of comic book artist Peter “Rusty” Beach. Longtime fans of BadAzz MoFo know Rusty’s work as the artist on the original Black Santa’s Revenge, as well as his work on the Legend of Stagolee, which appeared in the SOLID! comic anthology (both available in the BAMF Store).

Is it possible to miss someone you don’t remember meeting? That’s what I think on days like today—Father’s Day. I think about my father, who I have no memories of, and wonder if it’s possible to miss him. I try not to spend too much time thinking about what my life might have been like if he lived, but some days I can’t keep my mind from wandering. What sort of man would I have grown into, had he been there, with a steady hand and words of wisdom? Would my life be better?
Like I said, I try not to spend too much time thinking about these things. Chasing after the shadows that you never grew up under hurts too much to do it on a regular basis. But on days like this it just kind of gnaws at your soul, eating away at your already hollow insides that have felt inexplicably empty for as long as you can remember. There is a hole in all of us that we spend our lives trying to fill with booze and dope and religion and sex and anything that distracts us from the things that makes us feel incomplete. And when you don’t have a dad around, that hole gets pretty big. And you feel at times like you’re drowning inside of yourself, only you don’t really know who you are, because you don’t know your father, and he is one half of what made you. And without him, you wonder how you can possibly ever be complete. And then you’re thankful that Father’s Day only comes once a year, because feeling this way too often is more than you can take, and it makes you want to hate a man that you don’t remember meeting, which makes you wonder if you can miss a man that don’t remember meeting, and on and on it goes.
For some people, Father’s Day is a celebration. For others it is a painful reminder of emptiness and feeling incomplete. And maybe for people like that, Father’s Day needs to be a day of forgiveness. For how can we hate our fathers without in some way hating ourselves?

Last month marked the 15th anniversary of BadAzz MoFo. To be perfectly honest, it came and went without me even noticing, but someone said something to me earlier today that got me to thinking that perhaps I should do something to mark the occasion.  After all, I’ve stuck with BAMF longer than any job or woman. In the next few weeks I will be making an announcement about something special to commemorate 15 years of this weird journey I’ve been on.